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I played a prank on my dickhead sister and it went too far.

Your path to promotion is off-limits unless we can get some shit to stick to that liberal pinko in Number Eleven. We'll keep you well away from discussions relating to immigration and foreign policy. That way you won't put your foot in it again."

"It was a simple mistake, Eddie."

"We don't mind ex-ministers, bloggers and talk show hosts coming on a bit strong, but a Cabinet Minister has got to be much more wishy-washy. We don't want the coalition to collapse. And most of all we don't want to let the red scum and their slimy green allies into government. That would be a fucking disaster. I'll have to think about it, but in the meantime what we'll try and do is position you more as an expert on business and the economy. Do you know much about that kind of stuff?"

"My degree's in Classical History," said Eric.

"And you didn't even get a first, you wanker," laughed Eddie. "Too busy chasing skirt I guess."

"I was active in the National Union of Students."

"Yeah. That was when there was such a thing. You did well enough to get to be Union President or something, didn't you? But at the moment, it's Economics I reckon you should be boning up on. I take it you're numerate?"

"Numerate, Eddie?" said Eric, affronted. "Yes, I can do arithmetic."

"As long as you don't make the same bloopers that other politicians do when they calculate compound interest or when they misunderstand statistics and probability then we can get you on a few business discussion programs. I also take it you're fully cognisant of your government's rather feeble economic policies, Eric?"

"They've not changed for over half a century, have they?" said Eric. "Lower taxes. Cuts in Public Spending. Incentives for Business. Target the workshy and encourage the wealthmakers."

"Well, yes, Eric. The policies remain the same, but the words we use to express conservative economic theory have to change with the times. If it sounds like a broken record then there are plenty of liberal media twats who'll jump on what a minister says and point out where this or that economic theory hasn't worked in the past. You need to sound bold, adventurous and modern. I think we can get our business guys to ply you with a few links to websites that can give you the concepts and the jargon you need. The conservative agenda will never go forward if it sounds like it's standing still or even going back. It's a step by step process. Look at the success we've had in America."

"I just hope those pinko Northern and Western States don't fuck it up."

"There's no way the GOP will ever relinquish its grip on the White House and both houses on the Hill," said Eddie. "It's locked in place. The conservative agenda is fully on track. And there's still a way to go. The tax burden is still unfairly distributed. The blue-collar scum should have to pay for the services they get from out of their own pocket. It's not the responsibility of those who've worked hard to get to the top to subsidise the skivers, the dropouts and the Mexican immigrants. There's too much laxity shown towards troublemakers like the eco-warriors, the multiculturalists and the socialists who want to reintroduce healthcare."

"You don't think the rebel states will carry out their threats?"

"What? Rerun the American Civil War in reverse? Have the Northern Pinko states and the Western Green ones secede from the Strictly Red ones that make up the majority of the United States? Believe me, it's different these days. The power isn't with the tree-huggers and the bleeding hearts. It's an alliance of Wall Street, the hicks and God All Mighty. Or at least the God who hates abortionists and smites all those who are insufficiently patriotic."

"And how's the conservative agenda going to advance in the UK, Eddie?" wondered Eric.

"I don't know.

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