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James goes for a snack and finds something better. (Pt.6)

I work my ass off to keep the bills paid, your sister, you in new cloths, schooling that costs more than all of our other bills combined. Listen, I don't care one iota what your education costs, I want both of you to have the life that your mother and I will never be able to have. But,, if you think that I am going to just sit back, let you go through the very few personal things in the only place that I can call my own anymore, you sure as hell have another thing coming."

Stunned, tears well up in my eyes. I gnash my teeth together, prays that he will not notice that I'm shaking. Tears run down my face, burn my red hot cheeks. Feels my ears burn, the pit of my stomach drops to the floor. I become light headed with ringing in my ears.

"So, what do you have to say for yourself?"

It's short, a demand for an answer, not a question. I don't know what to say, wish to get up and run out the front door, hide in the truck. It's a foolish thought that passes quickly, my body begins to feel as if it were made of rubber.

He looks directly at me, his eyes burn into mine. Sense's that he knows my fears have been revealed, that he is not going to give up, that he's going to get an answer.

"I, I, I, don't know dad. You're right, I'm so sorry but I don't know what to say. It's up to you, I'm sorry, really sorry."

Panic, fear washes over me, then I feel compassion from dad. He breaks his stare and looks down at his coffee.

"You know, you are not a little kid anymore Robbie. You are an adult, you should know better by now. Right from wrong is not that hard a thing to figure out. Had you still been little, this whole thing would have been easy, spanking you would have given you what you deserve but like I said, you are no longer a little kid."

Stunned, I see the hurt in dad's face. This is worse than anything that I could have anticipated. I see all the tension that's been building up between him and mom, now this. Damn it, I'm his son, the one person that he continuously gives to, trusts in. I'm his right hand man, helps him build this house we're sitting in at this very moment, shit, what was I thinking? I blurt out the very first thing that comes to me, it just falls out of my mouth.

"Well dad, I guess I acted like a sneaky little kid so maybe you should treat me like a bad kid. Do it, pull down my pants, give me the spanking of my life, I need to make it up to you, make you feel better, show you that you can trust me again."

I regret what came out of my mouth the second I finished this ridiculous proposal.

Dad looks up at me with the most stunned expression on his face. His mouth opens slightly as if he's prepared to say something but nothing comes out. He looks down at his newspaper, picks it up, unfolds it. He's making believe he had not heard what I had said or maybe that the whole thing had turned around so quickly in a way that he hadn't expected that it just needs more time to sink in.

The days work seems so much longer, more difficult than it normally does. We work pretty much in silence the entire day, the only time that dad speaks to me is when he needs a tool that was no where near him. We get an awful lot done though, the water heater is installed, the pipes put in place and sweated. We stop for a quick lunch of pressed ham and mustard on hard rolls which Dad had gotten when he went into town.

We finish up working, take a shower together, same as we always do, this to conserve on the little bit of water that had been stored up. Cold showers do help me to keep things under control too. Being this close to dad after such a horrific confrontation keeps me from even looking at him, we both rush though our clean up, then into the bags of fresh cloths. We sit down in the living room, a simple lamp plugged in on an overturned old milk crate. Two folding chairs, another crate for Dad to use as a foot stool.

He walks past me in his clean boxers, white T-shirt, gives me a little nudge of his elbow.

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